Mother Nature is a Beach, In the Sense That There's a Lot of Sand in Her Vagina

I am not a person who likes or enjoys nature. People seem to take offense to this for reasons I can't really fathom. They're like 'save the environment!' and talk about light pollution or global warming and the hole in the ozone layer. Personally I think those things are pretty sweet except maybe the ozone thing and even that one is no game breaker. Frankly, I think that people make way to big of a deal about people destroying the environment, and that is because no one alive today remembers what a dick nature used to be.

Several thousand years ago people were totally evolved to what we are now today: Brain case, body structure, etc. We got eaten by animals and invisibly murdered by bacteria a lot. Even the Earth itself shat on us: A volcano killed all but 10,000 of us. That's one plague away from extinction. Fuck, I think SARS could have taken care of use then, and no even remembers what SARS was (It killed all those Canadians). Anyway, the whole planet basically said 'fuck you' to mankind and tried to ruin our shit.
But we didn't give up. We didn't let those fucking lions or bears or whatever win so they could go eat and murder those other animals and think they were hot shit. We hooked up with fire and got our shit together, and started to build shit out of clay and whatever else we could find (Rocks).

Flash forward some thousand years and we're now the top dogs on the planet. All those fucking animals that were getting in our faces are now either pets or getting murdered on a daily basis. It was generally speaking a pretty sweet time compared to the suffering/murder hour that was prehistory. Here's a thought: Prehistory had mankind vs animals, and now we've moved past that, to nation vs nation. I hope this trend continues, and so we'll go from cultures fighting cultures to subcultures fighting subcultures, and hopefully eventually to the best people fighting each other for best person on the planet. That person will really be the most interesting man alive, despite what Dos Equis advertises.
Anyway, my point about nature doesn't really go past what I already said: People only give a fuck about nature these days because no one ever has to stab a tiger in the face with a spear anymore. We bitch about mosquitos and those don't even carry malaria anymore!

Let's change gears right now. Nature is a bitch, but not as much of a bitch as some of those environmentalists. People get angry at me for littering, like it's better that all our trash is in one giant pit instead of kind of everywhere. I argue that by littering I am drawing awareness to the dangers of consumerism and at the same time providing a convenient job for ex-convicts who can't catch a break in modern society, but no one gives a shit about convicts cause they did crime and that makes them bad. PETA doesn't show naked ladies in support of poor Mexicans who get caught with weed is all I'm saying. People just think I litter cause I'm lazy and that's only half-true.

Throwin' shit on the ground is also the least problematic of things that people who care about nature don't like me for. I also advocate using all this money we're spending trying to save the Earth to make Mars livable, or to build wicked space stations. Earth is a negative sum game: We are always losing resources we can't get back. We make a big deal about running out of oil but one day we're gonna run out of copper and iron and every other mineral on the planet and no amount of recycling will change that (Delay it sure, but that's irresponsible). So we spend a fuckton of time and money to save the earth when since day one our very existence on it has been killing it (Or it killing us). Meanwhile, no one is flying around in super boss spaceships or living on the Martian prairie, which has pink grass because why not that's fucking awesome.

Shame on scientists for being boring as shit with their genetically engineered foods/animals/whatevers. Tomatoes that grow bigger? Diseaseless corn? That's some bullshit and everyone knows it. Let us eat apples that taste like oranges, blueberries that can run away from you, beef that is cake. We can genetically manipulate plants and animals to get whatever results we want, and yet we're not because apparently we shouldn't change what mother nature did, like she wasn't the worst fucking mother ever. All of her children keep murdering and eating each other. Child Services is looking to put all animals in foster homes because of her bullshit (Also note: absentee father). We should totally fuck around with whatever nature did cause odds are she fucked up somehow. My eyes see shit upside down, for no reason. They say if you want something done, do it yourself. Apparently that only applies to shit someone else didn't already do for me, even if they fucked up.
To summarize: Nature is terrible and we should fix it, but everyone thinks fixing nature means going back to how it was, which was terrible. We should fix nature, but in the sense that we can do a better job than fucking evolution did.


Some Examples
Problem: All of the bees are dying out, and scientists don't know why.
Solution: Robot bees; they don't sting or get in your coke, but they do pollinate. We can also make the glow pretty colors to make gardens look even cooler.

Problem: Hurricanes, Tornadoes, other wind funnel related disasters.
Solution: Live in space. Or, don't live below sea level on a coast.

Problem: Climate acting like bitch
Solution: At some point we're going to just have to get right down to it and invent a weather controlling machine. Or, live in space.

Problem: Not enough living in space.
Solution: Live in space.

Problem: The Chinese don't give a fuck
Solution: Don't live in China, space being an optional living zone in the category of 'Not China.'

Problem: Our genetically modified food is demanding the right to vote.
Solution: Depending on how funny either option would be, either let them vote or force them to fight each other for our amusement.

Problem: There's trash everywhere.
Solution: Live. In. Space.

Next time I'm going to write about how awesome space will be to live in.