This is the culmination of feelings after spending four days alone in a giant house with a throat infection and fever:
People laugh at me when I tell them that I hate God, and sometimes I laugh too, if I feel that being serious about it would make whatever pussy I'm talking to uncomfortable. But I hate that motherfucker so bad, and it's because of shit like this. And not just my own personal experiences, because God made me born in America, which is much better then the chances he gives the vast majority of children. I have watched so much television that I feel I have swum and drank deep of the collective unconscious of mankind, and it tastes like Ice Hole schnapps. God allows this because he hates us, and thinks we're funny when we do stupid things that he designs us to do, like how as a child you used to build lego forts and make them fight. I have seen a fat man shotgun a beer, vomit, shotgun a beer, vomit, and repeat sixteen times. What the fuck kind of place is this where that kind of behavior exists? How much of an unabashed retard do you have to be to throw up sixteen times doing the exact same thing, fatty? What does it take to trigger those faded, withered survival instincts that kept your genetic ancestors from being food for animals, or slaves to people with bronze shit?
There are two things traits within humanity that I can admire. One is the ruthless, animalistic badassery inherent in all of us. We might be pale monkeys, but we can still throw down with the best of nature, us versus them in the wilderness. We just don't have a lot of practice at it. The other trait that I admire in people is the exact opposite: Our giant brains that can construct personalities and logic and construct things like buildings and guns and can determine that if you do one thing in a controlled setting, then you can repeat it ad nauseum to get the same effect. Our super powerful minds are pretty cool.
However, the vast majority of human beings seem to be some kind of halfway fusion of both of those aspects and it is terrible. Think about it: Instincts are only ever pulled out when someone wants to prove something retarded without evidence, like 'gays ain't natural,' or 'God exists because I feel him' (I believe in my horrible God because I think that if everything was a random creation then there wouldn't be so much horrible irony to existence). At the same time, our awesome super powered brains are used for either pointless bullshit to pleasure our animal brain or to kill other people so we can steal there stuff and pleasure more of our animal brains. And I can't even blame everyone else for this because I do it too, and it's because that awesome part of human existence is just a byproduct of the stupid animal part, so it fucking controls everything we do.
In the end, being a person is only potentially awesome. There's a lot of possible cool shit that we could do, in the future where we are more civilized and better. That means that people who look forward to a brighter tomorrow are really just procrastinators. Lazy. We don't try and self-improve or be better people now, because those crazy future folk will be on it with their jetpacks and invisible blankets.
So, whenever anyone accuses me of being lazy or procrastinating, I grab them and scream “It's the human condition, Motherfucker!” Right in their ears. And you should too.
Friday, July 30, 2010
Saturday, July 17, 2010
Mother Nature is a Beach, In the Sense That There's a Lot of Sand in Her Vagina
I am not a person who likes or enjoys nature. People seem to take offense to this for reasons I can't really fathom. They're like 'save the environment!' and talk about light pollution or global warming and the hole in the ozone layer. Personally I think those things are pretty sweet except maybe the ozone thing and even that one is no game breaker. Frankly, I think that people make way to big of a deal about people destroying the environment, and that is because no one alive today remembers what a dick nature used to be.
Several thousand years ago people were totally evolved to what we are now today: Brain case, body structure, etc. We got eaten by animals and invisibly murdered by bacteria a lot. Even the Earth itself shat on us: A volcano killed all but 10,000 of us. That's one plague away from extinction. Fuck, I think SARS could have taken care of use then, and no even remembers what SARS was (It killed all those Canadians). Anyway, the whole planet basically said 'fuck you' to mankind and tried to ruin our shit.
But we didn't give up. We didn't let those fucking lions or bears or whatever win so they could go eat and murder those other animals and think they were hot shit. We hooked up with fire and got our shit together, and started to build shit out of clay and whatever else we could find (Rocks).
Flash forward some thousand years and we're now the top dogs on the planet. All those fucking animals that were getting in our faces are now either pets or getting murdered on a daily basis. It was generally speaking a pretty sweet time compared to the suffering/murder hour that was prehistory. Here's a thought: Prehistory had mankind vs animals, and now we've moved past that, to nation vs nation. I hope this trend continues, and so we'll go from cultures fighting cultures to subcultures fighting subcultures, and hopefully eventually to the best people fighting each other for best person on the planet. That person will really be the most interesting man alive, despite what Dos Equis advertises.
Anyway, my point about nature doesn't really go past what I already said: People only give a fuck about nature these days because no one ever has to stab a tiger in the face with a spear anymore. We bitch about mosquitos and those don't even carry malaria anymore!
Let's change gears right now. Nature is a bitch, but not as much of a bitch as some of those environmentalists. People get angry at me for littering, like it's better that all our trash is in one giant pit instead of kind of everywhere. I argue that by littering I am drawing awareness to the dangers of consumerism and at the same time providing a convenient job for ex-convicts who can't catch a break in modern society, but no one gives a shit about convicts cause they did crime and that makes them bad. PETA doesn't show naked ladies in support of poor Mexicans who get caught with weed is all I'm saying. People just think I litter cause I'm lazy and that's only half-true.
Throwin' shit on the ground is also the least problematic of things that people who care about nature don't like me for. I also advocate using all this money we're spending trying to save the Earth to make Mars livable, or to build wicked space stations. Earth is a negative sum game: We are always losing resources we can't get back. We make a big deal about running out of oil but one day we're gonna run out of copper and iron and every other mineral on the planet and no amount of recycling will change that (Delay it sure, but that's irresponsible). So we spend a fuckton of time and money to save the earth when since day one our very existence on it has been killing it (Or it killing us). Meanwhile, no one is flying around in super boss spaceships or living on the Martian prairie, which has pink grass because why not that's fucking awesome.
Shame on scientists for being boring as shit with their genetically engineered foods/animals/whatevers. Tomatoes that grow bigger? Diseaseless corn? That's some bullshit and everyone knows it. Let us eat apples that taste like oranges, blueberries that can run away from you, beef that is cake. We can genetically manipulate plants and animals to get whatever results we want, and yet we're not because apparently we shouldn't change what mother nature did, like she wasn't the worst fucking mother ever. All of her children keep murdering and eating each other. Child Services is looking to put all animals in foster homes because of her bullshit (Also note: absentee father). We should totally fuck around with whatever nature did cause odds are she fucked up somehow. My eyes see shit upside down, for no reason. They say if you want something done, do it yourself. Apparently that only applies to shit someone else didn't already do for me, even if they fucked up.
To summarize: Nature is terrible and we should fix it, but everyone thinks fixing nature means going back to how it was, which was terrible. We should fix nature, but in the sense that we can do a better job than fucking evolution did.
Some Examples
Problem: All of the bees are dying out, and scientists don't know why.
Solution: Robot bees; they don't sting or get in your coke, but they do pollinate. We can also make the glow pretty colors to make gardens look even cooler.
Problem: Hurricanes, Tornadoes, other wind funnel related disasters.
Solution: Live in space. Or, don't live below sea level on a coast.
Problem: Climate acting like bitch
Solution: At some point we're going to just have to get right down to it and invent a weather controlling machine. Or, live in space.
Problem: Not enough living in space.
Solution: Live in space.
Problem: The Chinese don't give a fuck
Solution: Don't live in China, space being an optional living zone in the category of 'Not China.'
Problem: Our genetically modified food is demanding the right to vote.
Solution: Depending on how funny either option would be, either let them vote or force them to fight each other for our amusement.
Problem: There's trash everywhere.
Solution: Live. In. Space.
Next time I'm going to write about how awesome space will be to live in.
Several thousand years ago people were totally evolved to what we are now today: Brain case, body structure, etc. We got eaten by animals and invisibly murdered by bacteria a lot. Even the Earth itself shat on us: A volcano killed all but 10,000 of us. That's one plague away from extinction. Fuck, I think SARS could have taken care of use then, and no even remembers what SARS was (It killed all those Canadians). Anyway, the whole planet basically said 'fuck you' to mankind and tried to ruin our shit.
But we didn't give up. We didn't let those fucking lions or bears or whatever win so they could go eat and murder those other animals and think they were hot shit. We hooked up with fire and got our shit together, and started to build shit out of clay and whatever else we could find (Rocks).
Flash forward some thousand years and we're now the top dogs on the planet. All those fucking animals that were getting in our faces are now either pets or getting murdered on a daily basis. It was generally speaking a pretty sweet time compared to the suffering/murder hour that was prehistory. Here's a thought: Prehistory had mankind vs animals, and now we've moved past that, to nation vs nation. I hope this trend continues, and so we'll go from cultures fighting cultures to subcultures fighting subcultures, and hopefully eventually to the best people fighting each other for best person on the planet. That person will really be the most interesting man alive, despite what Dos Equis advertises.
Anyway, my point about nature doesn't really go past what I already said: People only give a fuck about nature these days because no one ever has to stab a tiger in the face with a spear anymore. We bitch about mosquitos and those don't even carry malaria anymore!
Let's change gears right now. Nature is a bitch, but not as much of a bitch as some of those environmentalists. People get angry at me for littering, like it's better that all our trash is in one giant pit instead of kind of everywhere. I argue that by littering I am drawing awareness to the dangers of consumerism and at the same time providing a convenient job for ex-convicts who can't catch a break in modern society, but no one gives a shit about convicts cause they did crime and that makes them bad. PETA doesn't show naked ladies in support of poor Mexicans who get caught with weed is all I'm saying. People just think I litter cause I'm lazy and that's only half-true.
Throwin' shit on the ground is also the least problematic of things that people who care about nature don't like me for. I also advocate using all this money we're spending trying to save the Earth to make Mars livable, or to build wicked space stations. Earth is a negative sum game: We are always losing resources we can't get back. We make a big deal about running out of oil but one day we're gonna run out of copper and iron and every other mineral on the planet and no amount of recycling will change that (Delay it sure, but that's irresponsible). So we spend a fuckton of time and money to save the earth when since day one our very existence on it has been killing it (Or it killing us). Meanwhile, no one is flying around in super boss spaceships or living on the Martian prairie, which has pink grass because why not that's fucking awesome.
Shame on scientists for being boring as shit with their genetically engineered foods/animals/whatevers. Tomatoes that grow bigger? Diseaseless corn? That's some bullshit and everyone knows it. Let us eat apples that taste like oranges, blueberries that can run away from you, beef that is cake. We can genetically manipulate plants and animals to get whatever results we want, and yet we're not because apparently we shouldn't change what mother nature did, like she wasn't the worst fucking mother ever. All of her children keep murdering and eating each other. Child Services is looking to put all animals in foster homes because of her bullshit (Also note: absentee father). We should totally fuck around with whatever nature did cause odds are she fucked up somehow. My eyes see shit upside down, for no reason. They say if you want something done, do it yourself. Apparently that only applies to shit someone else didn't already do for me, even if they fucked up.
To summarize: Nature is terrible and we should fix it, but everyone thinks fixing nature means going back to how it was, which was terrible. We should fix nature, but in the sense that we can do a better job than fucking evolution did.
Some Examples
Problem: All of the bees are dying out, and scientists don't know why.
Solution: Robot bees; they don't sting or get in your coke, but they do pollinate. We can also make the glow pretty colors to make gardens look even cooler.
Problem: Hurricanes, Tornadoes, other wind funnel related disasters.
Solution: Live in space. Or, don't live below sea level on a coast.
Problem: Climate acting like bitch
Solution: At some point we're going to just have to get right down to it and invent a weather controlling machine. Or, live in space.
Problem: Not enough living in space.
Solution: Live in space.
Problem: The Chinese don't give a fuck
Solution: Don't live in China, space being an optional living zone in the category of 'Not China.'
Problem: Our genetically modified food is demanding the right to vote.
Solution: Depending on how funny either option would be, either let them vote or force them to fight each other for our amusement.
Problem: There's trash everywhere.
Solution: Live. In. Space.
Next time I'm going to write about how awesome space will be to live in.
Monday, July 5, 2010
My Experiences on the Set of Deliverance
There is a subtle difference between waking up in North Carolina and waking up after nuclear weapons have obliterated all of society overnight. While both scenarios involve a lack of modern amenities and baking heat, it is only in North Carolina that you are served pancakes.
I had been meaning to write some things on my long trip to South Carolina from my hometown in Saint Paul, Minnesota, but the since the last few days were mainly driving across what could be a list of the most boring states in the Union (except for the Dakotas), I didn't really have many stories to tell. Today, though, was something different. Today was something special. Today, my feet were sunburned to the point where I could no longer wear socks.
Let's start this back at the pancakes. I was fed along with the rest of my family by a family of Southerners I apparently knew, and was informed that I was going to be rafting down a river today. It was 8:30 in the morning so I agreed because it required the least amount of my precious, precious brainpower, most of which was being used to remember how forks worked.
So it's about 9:00, and for some reason everyone is expecting me to actually put on a swimsuit and shit, and I'm just confused because I thought I was going back to sleep. I'm forced to make a compromise to keep this kind of bullshit from being the norm from the rest of this trip: I'll go on this boat day trip/suicide mission if no one tries to wake me up when we actually get to the vacation part of our vacation.
Off I go in the back of a pick-up truck, driving through rural North Carolina and sighting the sights, looking at the looks, etc. There are several old barns with no animals. Part of a small meadow is on fire for no apparent reason. Road laws have become road possibilities, as the truck swoops down through switchback mountain roads. The retarded kid from Deliverance is at most several miles away. In fact, jokes about Deliverance are the only jokes I will hear today. I think that says something about the modern south where its denizens have ceased raping backwoods travelers and have begun threatening to rape them, then laughing at them. Part of me (the non-raped part) feels that this is a stellar improvement. Another part of me is saddened by this loss of what was once undoubtably a part of the great fabric that was the American South (96% Slave-Picked Cotton, 4% Rape). The sun burns my pale, vampiric skin, and I can't do anything but sit and hope that my shirt can stop waves of radiation emanating from the Sun that would cook me into the edible levels for even the most discerning of cannibals.
We make a brief stop to pick up another member of the family Southern, a 12 year old with a hilarious accent. The house we stopped at to grab him is home to at least four dogs, all of whom show suicidal bravery in confronting a multi-ton moving vehicle. Fortunately, we go without dogslaughter. As we exit the premises, I notice the best metaphor for modern rural society ever: A satellite dish attached to a disused fence pole in the middle of the yard, its cord winding into the house. Truly we live in the age of technology.
After a few more death defying road maneuvers, we're at the start of our river journey, apparently the Thing To Do round these parts. The river is a brown, slowmoving thing, hopefully from silt and not any of the things I know people dump en masse into rivers. We wait for a while for no real reason, apply sunscreen, and set off downriver in an inflatable kayak. When the kayak was invented by whatever Arctic inventor way back in the fog of prehistory, I don't think it could ever be explained to him in any acceptable way that his idea for an effective whalemurdering craft would be used for entertainment purposes by pale people who had moved into a small river valley some thousands of miles south of them, after they had killed all of the people who had lived there previously a couple hundred years prior. Hell, I doubt I anyone would be able to explain inflatable anything to that guy.
Anyway, the river is a lazy river in the same way that Woodrow Wilson hated women, by which I mean it was a very lazy river (and Woodrow Wilson really hated women). Paddling down this fucking river was one of the most boring activities in conjunction with a body of water I've ever had. I feel terrible for people who do this for fun, because they have been gravely misled on the concept. It is literally two hours of sitting in the sun and staring at the brown, simple current. At the end, I got to trod through some mud then sit on a short bus. No joke, they brought down a retarded person bus to pick us up and bring us back to where we started, a journey that took about 10 minutes by car.
As I rode the pickup truck back 'home,' I noticed that in the valley of the burning grass, another, entirely different part of the valley was on fire. Not as if the fire had burned its way over there, but as if the entire process was some trainee arsonist trying to get a start in the fast-paced world of rural arson, and didn't really know how it worked. Reviewing the day, I had the sinking feeling that no one around these parts knew much about how anything really worked. Except rape.
I had been meaning to write some things on my long trip to South Carolina from my hometown in Saint Paul, Minnesota, but the since the last few days were mainly driving across what could be a list of the most boring states in the Union (except for the Dakotas), I didn't really have many stories to tell. Today, though, was something different. Today was something special. Today, my feet were sunburned to the point where I could no longer wear socks.
Let's start this back at the pancakes. I was fed along with the rest of my family by a family of Southerners I apparently knew, and was informed that I was going to be rafting down a river today. It was 8:30 in the morning so I agreed because it required the least amount of my precious, precious brainpower, most of which was being used to remember how forks worked.
So it's about 9:00, and for some reason everyone is expecting me to actually put on a swimsuit and shit, and I'm just confused because I thought I was going back to sleep. I'm forced to make a compromise to keep this kind of bullshit from being the norm from the rest of this trip: I'll go on this boat day trip/suicide mission if no one tries to wake me up when we actually get to the vacation part of our vacation.
Off I go in the back of a pick-up truck, driving through rural North Carolina and sighting the sights, looking at the looks, etc. There are several old barns with no animals. Part of a small meadow is on fire for no apparent reason. Road laws have become road possibilities, as the truck swoops down through switchback mountain roads. The retarded kid from Deliverance is at most several miles away. In fact, jokes about Deliverance are the only jokes I will hear today. I think that says something about the modern south where its denizens have ceased raping backwoods travelers and have begun threatening to rape them, then laughing at them. Part of me (the non-raped part) feels that this is a stellar improvement. Another part of me is saddened by this loss of what was once undoubtably a part of the great fabric that was the American South (96% Slave-Picked Cotton, 4% Rape). The sun burns my pale, vampiric skin, and I can't do anything but sit and hope that my shirt can stop waves of radiation emanating from the Sun that would cook me into the edible levels for even the most discerning of cannibals.
We make a brief stop to pick up another member of the family Southern, a 12 year old with a hilarious accent. The house we stopped at to grab him is home to at least four dogs, all of whom show suicidal bravery in confronting a multi-ton moving vehicle. Fortunately, we go without dogslaughter. As we exit the premises, I notice the best metaphor for modern rural society ever: A satellite dish attached to a disused fence pole in the middle of the yard, its cord winding into the house. Truly we live in the age of technology.
After a few more death defying road maneuvers, we're at the start of our river journey, apparently the Thing To Do round these parts. The river is a brown, slowmoving thing, hopefully from silt and not any of the things I know people dump en masse into rivers. We wait for a while for no real reason, apply sunscreen, and set off downriver in an inflatable kayak. When the kayak was invented by whatever Arctic inventor way back in the fog of prehistory, I don't think it could ever be explained to him in any acceptable way that his idea for an effective whalemurdering craft would be used for entertainment purposes by pale people who had moved into a small river valley some thousands of miles south of them, after they had killed all of the people who had lived there previously a couple hundred years prior. Hell, I doubt I anyone would be able to explain inflatable anything to that guy.
Anyway, the river is a lazy river in the same way that Woodrow Wilson hated women, by which I mean it was a very lazy river (and Woodrow Wilson really hated women). Paddling down this fucking river was one of the most boring activities in conjunction with a body of water I've ever had. I feel terrible for people who do this for fun, because they have been gravely misled on the concept. It is literally two hours of sitting in the sun and staring at the brown, simple current. At the end, I got to trod through some mud then sit on a short bus. No joke, they brought down a retarded person bus to pick us up and bring us back to where we started, a journey that took about 10 minutes by car.
As I rode the pickup truck back 'home,' I noticed that in the valley of the burning grass, another, entirely different part of the valley was on fire. Not as if the fire had burned its way over there, but as if the entire process was some trainee arsonist trying to get a start in the fast-paced world of rural arson, and didn't really know how it worked. Reviewing the day, I had the sinking feeling that no one around these parts knew much about how anything really worked. Except rape.
This Web Log's Purpose
Let me preface this by stating that I think the word 'blog' is a goddamn travesty, and so is the general conception of what a blog is and what it should be. According to Wikipedia, blog is just a portmanteau of 'web log,' which is not a set of words that really needs to be portmanteaued. It's two fucking syllables long. It's also an internet word that somehow became used by the media like it's a real word, which is as strange to me as hearing 'goatse' being referred to in medical texts: Sure they're similar in basic concept, but in execution one is a legit field and one is screamingly retarded and on the internet. Some would say that's an elitist point of view, but those are the same people who think blogs are important, but they're not, and neither is this.
This is a blog in the sense that it is words written by a guy and put on the internet. However, I don't really expect anyone except for people I know to read those words. These words really only intended for those people, the rest of you internet denizens can fuck off. For those of you I told about this blog, this is also not just for your entertainment, mostly because it's not going to be very entertaining. My writing is terrible, and I want to improve it. To do so, I need to write more and get advice, etc. So, if you're reading this, please comment and tell me what was good, what sucked, and so forth. I'm gonna put up whatever written shit I feel like writing here, so prepare for what is hopefully a wide array of shit.
That's a brief fucking manifest of what's happening here. Now either start reading some shit or get outta here.
This is a blog in the sense that it is words written by a guy and put on the internet. However, I don't really expect anyone except for people I know to read those words. These words really only intended for those people, the rest of you internet denizens can fuck off. For those of you I told about this blog, this is also not just for your entertainment, mostly because it's not going to be very entertaining. My writing is terrible, and I want to improve it. To do so, I need to write more and get advice, etc. So, if you're reading this, please comment and tell me what was good, what sucked, and so forth. I'm gonna put up whatever written shit I feel like writing here, so prepare for what is hopefully a wide array of shit.
That's a brief fucking manifest of what's happening here. Now either start reading some shit or get outta here.
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